I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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