yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just puked most of my soul out..
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