I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you didnt know i had herpes?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
