Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I want to fling myself into the sun
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
