You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
