My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
