I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
