the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
