Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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