I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
