You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
