I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
