i already hear my dad disowning me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
