Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
