i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
