Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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