He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
