my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
