Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
