oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
