I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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