can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
