thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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