she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
