i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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