At least make sure they are 18
Why
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
