when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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