I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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