Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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