Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
