quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
