I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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