Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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