you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
