I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
