WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
