does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
