Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you didnt know i had herpes?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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