Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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