i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
