I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
