the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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