it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
