Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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