Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
