At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
