her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
