Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
