My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
