we have officially lost it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
